Hey Admin, I ave something I really need to get off my chest, keep me anonymous. Some mental issues r communicable. I was 16 then and had a crush on a guy who was about 18 years old. He was my cousins friend so I never really thought I’d ave a chance in the world to even talk to him. He seemed so cool and outgoing while I bein a toy that my cousin bullied was totally the opposite of his personality. I admired him every single day I got to see him but that was all. One day I was at a supermarket shopping for some groceries that my aunt had sent me to get when someone behind me said hi in a voice that was quite familiar and intriguing to me. It was him. His name was Geoffrey btw. I was so excited but played it cool or so I thought. He asked what I was getting and I told him just a few stuff so he asked to join me. We walked and picked everything I needed and we were out walking home. I wasn’t really sure what he wanted but I guessed he was just being friendly. He later said he had to go over to his friends place so I had to walk all the way home alone. I thought that was it until that night he sent me a message from Facebook. I was so excited and surprised but at least now I could do more than think of him, I could finally chat with him. We kept this going for a while and he had my number.
He used to call me now and then and we got really close. We were in the same school,(we were day scholars), so every time we get to school I would stand next to him during the morning parade session even though most of the time he used to talk to his friends. I used to live to his sweet compliments every morning on how prettier I looked everyday. It was like a prescription. It went on like that to hugs kisses and soon he deflowered me. My cousin used to warn me of his love of alcohol and how my aunt won’t be happy if I would get his traits but I assured her that I wouldn’t. It’s true he would consume quite a huge amount of alcohol almost everyday but since I had fallen completely in love with him I didn’t care. I knew maybe one day he’d stop. I had failed a lot during my second term exams so my phone was taken and I would only talk to him with the family laptop on Facebook and Twitter. It was so limited and I would feel that he was getting tired of it so he decided that we should take a break. I didn’t want a break, if he didn’t want me now then he wouldn’t have me at all. I promised to return everything he had ever given me and I asked my cousin to take me to their place one weekend. When I saw him he looked so miserable and he said that he loved me and wouldn’t want to leave me. I felt so bad because I had already hooked up with another guy in school and I had to tell him. He got so angry at me and started cursing me. I left pretty annoyed at him too but mostly sad.
The following week he kept blowing my cousin’s phone with weird sexual messages for me but mostly insults. He came back to his sences or so I thought and apologized. I started visiting him from time to time and we’d go for walks around the estate but he started with the insults again ,(literally out of nowhere). I understand he was bitter but this wasn’t normal. He would send me suicidal notes during school time and blow up my phone which I had managed to get back with pictures of him cutting himself. This used to disturb me a lot. I asked him that we should take a break from each other but he would hear none. He kept saying he loved me but I had been a slut but I was still his (mind you I had not had sex with the other guy, it was just a date and a kiss). He would sometimes lure me with apologies and lead me to have sex with him claiming he was so sorry and he loved me so much and I was his angel but I came to realize he had turned me into his sex toy whenever he needed to calm down. I started avoiding him but he got worse. He would stalk me in school but my friends were always on the lookout for me. He would hang around our court a lot for no given reason and I would be so scared to go out even when sent to the shop.
One day when I got to school I met my locker had been broken into and inside was a notebook with blood stains. All sorts of suicidal notes had been written down on it all pointing fingers to me. I had to do something, I took it to the school DM and the next day he didn’t report to school. I didn’t see him for another two weeks until I realized he had been taken for counselling. He reported back to school but hadn’t changed a bit. It affected me severely. I lost all my friends and time to time I’d take a lot of strong very painkillers to feel calm and sometimes I’d steal my aunt’s whiskey, four tots at most. The tipsy feeling would keep me calm. One day we had gone to Meru for a family gathering and he texted me saying that this was his last goodbye. He was going for good and and he would not disturb me again. I was still truly in love and was quite worried. I told my cousin but she said i should have now gotten over his threats and that he was bluffing so I just ignored him. The next day of Facebook one of my old friends updated her status to “rip Geoffrey”. I was so shocked, confused, and I was quite dead inside.
I cried so much to the worry of everyone and still do. On getting back home, the finger was pointed at me. Geoffrey had committed suicide but was it really my fault. His parents said he always had a problem with sever depression since he was quite young but this time it went overboard. The blame faded with time but in stuck in my head that it was my fault. I feel it was. I am now 22 and have been diagnosed with depression too in total four times. I have several cuts on my hands too, makes me feel quite at ease when I make them. I have become kinda catoptrophobic. I can’t stand looking at myself at time. I fear I might end up just like Geoffrey.
